Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
