Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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