youre lurking in front of me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
