She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
