The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
