So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
