GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
