did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
