there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
