her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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