She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
