something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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