So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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