i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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