if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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