no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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