the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it glows. i had to have it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
