new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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