I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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