if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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