As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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