my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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