i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
