Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
