Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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