Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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