Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
