Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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