I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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