My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We need a shit load of segways right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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