I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
