What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The best revenge is premature balding
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize