i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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