His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't deserve a penis
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
