you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
