You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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