Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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