this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
