sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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