Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
