you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
