I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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