Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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