It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
