yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
