If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize