i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
