Will you blow on my dice?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
