mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
