the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
