After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
