Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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