How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
