Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
