She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
